It's A Start...

I have always worked. With the exception of a brief period when Barney was in the military, and an even briefer stint with unemployement (6 weeks) I have worked since I was 13 years old-first as a baby sitter, then in a grocery store, and finally in the medical field where I seem to have found my niche. So while I want to stay home, I'm afraid too.

As I was telling Rocky's God mother yesterday I find I have the "having my cake and eating it too" syndrome. I want the option of staying home, BUT I don't want to give up the "fun" things that I have been able to aquire by working. However when she pointed out those fun things have come with a cost, a cost that has put us in to debt that is NOT related to the cost of the attorney, or the "start up" cost of Rocky I realized (after arguing with her stubbornly) that she is right. While on the glossy surface we live a great life. 2 cars, computers, cameras, bright colored plastic toys...we are in debt and will continue to be in debt, again not related to student loans, attorneys fees on CC's, and our cars) but frivolous debt...there for the question becomes am I willing to give that up to be able to stay home with Rocky? While I fought against it there has to be a break point--NO, I'm not willing to eat beans and rice for a month just to pay the minimum payments on the master card, am I willing to continue to work just so that I can continue to use the credit cards to pay for toys? Push to shove--probably not. I will work to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our back certainly...but to work just so that I can this month pay enough of the credit card bill to be able to put a new camera lens on it is insane.

Something has to give...and...

Barney has a plan. We are looking at a duplex tonight (we hope, as the guy has already canceled on us once this week) that if we obtain we would save $300 a month in living costs. Then, when we file our taxes if our return is what we anticipate it to be we are going to pay off my car, another savings of $305 a month for a total of $605. If we are able to accomplish those two goals then I can stay home with Rocky. "Betty, certainly you make more than $605 a month...right?" You're asking and the answer is YES I do-but if you add to the fact that we do not qualify for any assistance with our day care costs (if Rocky were to be in day care) we'd be paying MORE than what I make a month for day care, my car, AND the extra savings obtained if we're able to move, though so far we've been very blessed with my Mom's help, and our dear friends help as they keep Rocky during our working hours.

So why am I still afraid to even TRY to stay home? Why would I instead be more interested in perpetuation the status quo? I'm afraid because I like to perpetuate the illusion of "if I want it I get it" but lets be real--everyone knows that with the illusion comes credit card debt-and as my friend pointed out while it appeares you're living at X level your really living at Y level and as long as you continue to live at Y level while spending X level you're never going to be able to stay at home, so what motivates you? What is your goal? You waited 13 years for this...why isn't this more important to you than your new camera?

Insert stubborn kicking and screaming here before I allowed the fog to clear and I realized she was right...

I waited 13 years for a child who will eventually grow up and leave home and I will have missed a good portion of that time spinning the hamster wheel but never making forward progress...so I made the difficult decision to break up with my plastic. It's an obsession much like trying to have a baby that will be very difficult not to revisit, but it was a start to close all but 1 major account and to cut up every store card in my wallet...

Ultimately for at least a while we will still carry a heavy debt load-Barney's car, my student loans, and the credit card debt that we accrued by having to pay for Rocky's attorney fees and that in which we added toys too-but eventually that will come down...and while I may still be driving my 2010 Chevy HHR in 2020 it will have been so worth it when I watch my boy graduate from high school and know that we taught him what was really important in life...that it's not things, but family that matter...first however...I must focus on the now...but hey, it's a start...and the hardest part of the journey is the first step...