Rise Of The Pheonix...

I Said December...

When I started this blog I had said it would likely run its course along with our cease and desist order in December. Of course that was when I knew I would be having a D&C to remove a polyp in February, and that the HSG showed open tubes, and while Barney's analysis wasn't stellar it was ample. Of course that was back when I just knew that the next time we tried I would get pregnant because that is what happened in 2008--I had surgery, I got the flu, I got pregnant. Of course what was supposed to happen and what did or didn't have already occurred.

To be honest, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to conceive when each month brings with it an early period. I'm tired of writing when those who have their bfp's stop reading anyway. I'm tired of continuing to pretend that maybe in December we will get the go ahead to try again. I'm just tired of all of it.

Someone asked yesterday what my true motivation for not going to the blood draw appointment was. They wanted to know the real reason why I ticked away from the needle prick instead of rushing straight towards it...and well I believe the answer has been staring at us for quite some time.

I'm simply not going to get pregnant again, and any leaning toward that direction is simply grasping at a straw. I firmly believe that after 2 full months I still have a problem with my left ovary. Simply putting pressure on that quadrant of my abdomen brings with it pain. Is it simply a cyst? Or is it the start of a cancerous tumor? Who knows...but what I do know is I don't even feel like dealing with that either.

I said in December we would be done...that this blog along with that would likely come to an end...but I think the time is now.

Barney and I are making plans...but they no longer include the words "unless we're pregnant" or "if we have a little one" or "Lets see where I'm at in this cycle" Instead we're planning for what we have now.

Our car--we shall trade in August. I want something completely impractical in which I can't tote anyone's children. Of course on this one I shall loose--Barney would like a sedan with 4 doors instead of our coupe with 2--and to this I shall relent.

Our home--we never need more than 2 bedrooms. Heck to be honest we don't need more than 1, but since I like Barney's office to be out of site, well we shall always need 2.

Our vacation--April we're heading to our Nations Capital. I want to tour the White House, I want to ride the elevator to the top of the Washington Monument. I want to take the Metro from one side of the city to another. Then in 2010 we've already put out feelers to go to Europe--without questioning if it will be feasible if I'm pregnant or not...

We're simply making plans...

I said in December we would know if we were going to try again...but I can tell you with certainty we won't. I can tell you with certainty that I will loose the handful of readers I have left but that may not matter because I firmly believe too that like TTC this too has run its course...

I said December...but I've changed my mind...

Blood Work A No Go-Go...

I was supposed to have blood work done today and a 24 hour urine as part of my protocol for one of my appointments in December but I didn't go. I've become complacent I guess.

I remember the early days of blood work appointments, heck not even the early days--all of them including the pregnancy cycle--I would not sleep the night before because I would be anxious about the results. Then I would sit and stare at my phone willing it to ring. I would make sure that I was never out of cell phone range, and if I was I would immediately check my messages even if there was no new message indicator. Now...I've simply rescheduled....and lets be honest...will I even go?

Given that I've become so complacent about the blood work I wonder then if I will even go to the appointments. Or if I do I wonder if I will set into motion TTC again. It's a bit eerie...before my breaks--always self imposed have never ever lasted as long as I anticipated them too...yet now I have already bartered a longer reprieve with Barney--what had once been December or January is now March...and who knows...it may even be extended longer...

That I suppose is why the blood work was a no go-go...