Breaking The Habit...

As a former smoker I know just how hard it is to give up a habit once started. So I knew when it came time to break Rocky of his habit that it would be equally as difficult for him. Of course he isn't a smoker, and his habit isn't impeeding his health in any way but at 5 months I decided "because I'm your mother and I said so" that it was time for the Swaddleme to go. Ok, so it wasn't just because I'm your mother and I said so, but rather because it was starting to affect nap time. By everyones admision Rocky is a super star baby. He has been sleeping through the night since 5 weeks old and doesn't need to be rocked, fed, or patted to get him in that state. No, you simply put a binky in his mouth, wind up his mobile, and wrap his swaddleme around him in such a way that Houdini couldn't escape. However nap time was more of a challenge...

For nap time I lost the super star baby and gained the typical "I need to be held and rocked" version. This I generally don't mind, I love cuddling a sleeping baby-however I also like to be able to put said sleeping baby in to his or her crib and be able to take care of my own bodily functions during the hour or so that I expect said baby to be asleep. Alas, that wasn't happening. Sure Rocky would fall asleep well enough. Binky, cuddle boom asleep, but the second I'd tip toe out of his room and head back up the hall he would emit an ear piercing, blood curdling scream of terror that he was in his crib-alone-unswaddled. By the end of my second week of being a stay at home mom that found me falling asleep on the couch with him just because I couldn't move for fear he'd wake up I knew something had to give...and last night it did.

Last night I decided it was time to practice tough love. I was breaking the swaddleme habit cold turkey. 8:00 p.m. rolled around, PJ's were put on, kisses given, and a binky put in a rose bud mouth. "I love you Rocky" I told him as I left the room and waited. As if on cue 5 minutes later he started to fuss. I went back in and gave him his binky, and told him I loved him again-please note we do NOT and will NEVER utilize cry it out. If he fusses we see why. On cue again he started to fuss again. "Did you forget to swaddle him?" Barney asked after he replaced Rocky's binky. "Nope, I didn't forget I chose not too" Barney looked at me perplexed and I then explained what a mean Mommy I am and that I was literally taking Rocky's security blanket away.

Well last night it took 90 minutes for him to fall asleep. Once he did however I was not awaken at 4 a.m. to replace a bink. Instead he slept until 7:30 and likely would have slept longer if we didn't need to be out the door by 8:30 thus I woke him myself. Tonight it only took 20 minutes, nd three binky replacements before I discovered that again he is sleeping soundly. Of course we still haven't put this into practice for nap time...and I fully expect this to all go straigh to Hades when we move next week...but for at least the next few nights I'm going to relish that I succeded in my first mission of tough love...and that Rocky can sleep unswaddled!

On Grief...

Heather from BigPandMe asked the following question: ... does having Rocky make you grieve again for Bam-Bam? Because now you know what you are missing, not just the idea of what you are missing? which stemmed from this post

I love when people ask questions that make me pause and think about the answer, and this is one that did just that.

Does having Rocky make me grieve again for Bam-Bam?

The answer to that question is NO.

Prior to Rocky's arrival the "key dates" always reopened the wound that I thought had healed. Yet every December the bleeding would begin again. Yet even at that the bleeding did become less and less as each year passed. This year when I ripped the band aid off I wasn't surprised when the wound wasn't bleeding, much less that it wasn't raw. In fact it had cauterized and was now just another scar that tells the story of my life.

I have very vivid memories of Bam-Bam that I can recount quickly. The + urine test. The confirmation from the nurse that I was indeed pregnant. His miscarriage-delivering his form into my hand in the bath tub. calling the doctor to ask if they needed the remains for further study and being told "no, just throw them in the garbage" Instead I sewed him a flannel "sleeping bag" and buried him under the ivy in the back yard. Yet the memories I don't have are those of his first heart beat, or seeing his form on an ultrasound machine, or feeling him kick beneath my skin. He had a name, one that Barney wished to name Rocky but one that I refused to consider. "I will always think of that baby as Aaron Jacob, and I can not recycle that name. It wouldn't be fair to him, and it wouldn't be fair to this baby" That argument went on for days as I suggested "Gabriel, Nicholas, Matthew, and even Samuel" When Barney relented and chose the perfect name for Rocky it just felt right.

I still have my original 2 pregnancy tests in a ziplock bag in my underwear drawer, and I have the original paper work with my HCG levels in our file cabinet and I have a tattoo on my ankle

and while the world never knew him I will never forget him...but mourn him again...no I don't...but then that isn't entirely true either...

You see, my friend, the daughter of the pastor who "found" Rocky for us has a baby girl a three year old daughter.  Yes, three years old.  She is 4 weeks and 3 days older than Bam would be if he had been born on his due date.  I have watched her grow from a nursing infant to a fairly independent little girl who has an extensive vocabulary, but I never used her as a barometer in any other way than to say "WOW, if Bam were here he'd be walking!"  with the exception of the day that Rocky was baptised.  November 20, 2011 we sat on the first pew on the left side of the church.  Barney had his arm around me, and Rocky snoozed in my arms and it was then that Pebbles crawled up beside me and tucked her head under my arm to get a better look at the baby.  It was in that fleeting moment, and even now as I write about it that my heart ached.  This could be my family-my three year old (or almost three year old) by my side hearing God's word as we prepare to welcome our newest member into an even bigger family...

Now my heart is heavy as I think of what could have been-but it will pass when Rocky advises that nap time over, and that party time has begun...for even though I know now what it's like to be a parent instead of just having the "idea of parenthood"  this experience wouldn't have been the same as that with Bam-Bam.  In fact I imagine that even if Bam was here, that this experience would be completely different than mine with him--it's just like being pregnant I imagine--you have an idea of what it will be like, then it happens and you draw from that experience for your next.  Then, you are pregnant fo the second, third, fourth time...but no pregnancy mirrors exactly that of your first...and that is as it should be for each pregnancy-each child--each experience is different in every way...

Again?!?!?!

Rocky is 5 months, 3 days 8 hours and 7 minutes old today.

We've just gotten over the initial shock of being parents. Sleep deprivation isn't overwhelming any longer as Rocky consistently sleeps through the night (with the exception of 1 time a night waking for a lost binky) without much intervention. His eating patterns are predictable, his personality apparent, and his love and adoration known to all who have a claim on him. He is the joy of our lives, and a miracle beyond compare.

BUT...

You knew there would be a but right?

We are thinking about maybe looking into adoption again.

It's insane really. Barney went from "I will never adopt, I can't love another mans child" to "If you're not pregnant by December of 2009 we will consider adoption" to "We're content to be childless" to parents in a blink over 2 months from start to finish when asked if we'd even consider adopting a baby.

Neither of us have put anything out there officially...but we've teased at it. Barney is looking into adoption blogs-and sending me the links "Barney, is there something specific you want me to look at here?" I'd ask and he'd answer "No, it just mimics our experience and I thought you'd be interested" to him finding a social support group in our area because he feels we need to broaden our social group and that Rocky needs to be around other adopted children.

Before Rocky I knew nothing of what we'd be losing if his birth mother decided to parent. This time, if there is a this time, I do. It's like when I lost Bam-Bam, it was devestating at the time-but at that point I hadn't lost a child, but the dream of one. Now having Rocky I know exactly what it is like to be a parent, and to love a child and I don't know if I could go through the process again and not lose my mind. Those who were involved in Rocky's arrival will declare to all who ask that I was not in my right mind during those 24 hours that we spend in the hospital...and again Rocky wasn't even ours yet!

Still...knowing what we have now...knowing how hard it would be to lose...I think maybe, just maybe that within the next 6 months or so that we will be actively looking to adopt again...I could see us with a daughter...though another son wouldn't be frowned upon either...yes, I think I could do this again...but first we'd have to be more prepared in more ways than one.

Financially for sure. We're still not recovered from Rocky's arrival and Emotionaly...though I'm not sure there is a way to fully prepare for that. Still, what the heck...lets do it again...