My Apologies...

I apologize for the Rise of Phoenix title with no words. That was an accident that was pointed out to me by a dear friend. I wasn't attempting to be allusive. I had planned a grand post with that title, but instead of hitting save now I must have hit PUBLISH POST. So I do apologize.

I also said I wouldn't be posting, but I feel the need to share my day--

I saw a "new" GYN today--one that is part of my practice, but NOT the one I normally see. Needless to say I did NOT like this woman. Her clinical ability are above board--she was very knowledgeable from a purely medical stand point but has zero life knowledge. You see Barney and I have come to terms with the fact that we won't be having children--so much so that I asked for the Nuva Ring. I figured since my period was starting on Provera after 7 days any way--thus giving me 23 day cycles that I was no better off with it than with out it. When I asked the doctor about this she said "Well you're 35 you know" Uhm yes I'm aware of that "and in my PERSONAL opinion putting you on birth control would not be worth you having a stroke" Immediately I turned red, formed my opinion and said "If you have no first hand experience with PCOS and dysfunctional uterine bleeding then you have NO PERSONAL opinion on what NOT having dysfunctional bleeding is worth."

She did however offer me the Mirena IUD--which I promptly turned down. Odds are I wouldn't conceive while on it, but that is a risk I'm not willing to take. So I walked out with resolve to find myself a NEW GYN-one that will offer me a solution other than an IUD, or a stroke! In good news however, my uterus AND both ovaries are ALL NORMAL! There are no left over cysts from September, and she sees no reason why my pap smear wouldn't come back normally. So in that regard she gets an A+, but the rest...Below Average....

I also saw my endocrinologist today. Ironically even though I have become NON COMPLIANT with my insulin, and Metformin as well as having GAINED 5.3 pounds according to their scale my A1C level DROPPED as did my Triglycerides! My prolactin level has soared to 30 again however, my thyroid is enlarged, my TSH is creeping up to high normal, and my vitamin D is so low that its a wonder I'm not Casper the Ghost white, and on Prozac for depression. Who knew a simple vitamin could cause depression, aggression, and a myriad of other issues.

Of course the irony of this appointment was when she said "I'm putting you on Dostinex which will lower your prolactin level, and once we get your thyroid straightened out I bet you start ovulating on your own again"

I bet I will too...just because I'm finally to the point where I can honestly say CONGRATULATIONS and mean it when someone winds up pregnant. I'm to the point where I can put a hand on a pregnant belly and smile when I feel a kick. We decorated for Christmas this year instead of hiding from it. Yes I remember that our first baby would have turned 10 this year, and our last would have been 1...but those facts aren't running my life...and yet in the span of 2 hours I was offered on one hand an IUD so that I wouldn't possibly get pregnant, and medications that may be the solution to at least the ovulation portion of our infertility...If you can't smile at that...well then I guess I have the wrong audience.

We had another quick discussion on IVF--but not in the manner you would think. Perhaps one day...in the future when I feel the need to decompress I will share that story too...but in the mean time accept my apologies, and know that while I'm not commenting much that I'm following each of you...

Rise Of The Pheonix...

I Said December...

When I started this blog I had said it would likely run its course along with our cease and desist order in December. Of course that was when I knew I would be having a D&C to remove a polyp in February, and that the HSG showed open tubes, and while Barney's analysis wasn't stellar it was ample. Of course that was back when I just knew that the next time we tried I would get pregnant because that is what happened in 2008--I had surgery, I got the flu, I got pregnant. Of course what was supposed to happen and what did or didn't have already occurred.

To be honest, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to conceive when each month brings with it an early period. I'm tired of writing when those who have their bfp's stop reading anyway. I'm tired of continuing to pretend that maybe in December we will get the go ahead to try again. I'm just tired of all of it.

Someone asked yesterday what my true motivation for not going to the blood draw appointment was. They wanted to know the real reason why I ticked away from the needle prick instead of rushing straight towards it...and well I believe the answer has been staring at us for quite some time.

I'm simply not going to get pregnant again, and any leaning toward that direction is simply grasping at a straw. I firmly believe that after 2 full months I still have a problem with my left ovary. Simply putting pressure on that quadrant of my abdomen brings with it pain. Is it simply a cyst? Or is it the start of a cancerous tumor? Who knows...but what I do know is I don't even feel like dealing with that either.

I said in December we would be done...that this blog along with that would likely come to an end...but I think the time is now.

Barney and I are making plans...but they no longer include the words "unless we're pregnant" or "if we have a little one" or "Lets see where I'm at in this cycle" Instead we're planning for what we have now.

Our car--we shall trade in August. I want something completely impractical in which I can't tote anyone's children. Of course on this one I shall loose--Barney would like a sedan with 4 doors instead of our coupe with 2--and to this I shall relent.

Our home--we never need more than 2 bedrooms. Heck to be honest we don't need more than 1, but since I like Barney's office to be out of site, well we shall always need 2.

Our vacation--April we're heading to our Nations Capital. I want to tour the White House, I want to ride the elevator to the top of the Washington Monument. I want to take the Metro from one side of the city to another. Then in 2010 we've already put out feelers to go to Europe--without questioning if it will be feasible if I'm pregnant or not...

We're simply making plans...

I said in December we would know if we were going to try again...but I can tell you with certainty we won't. I can tell you with certainty that I will loose the handful of readers I have left but that may not matter because I firmly believe too that like TTC this too has run its course...

I said December...but I've changed my mind...